Heartbroken...

I don't feel like myself at all.  I have been an emotional wreck for a few days now.  I'm testy, on edge, nonstop crying...  The only time I have been able to hide it was for our get-together this past weekend for the Saints/49ers game.  And, even then, I had terrible stomach cramps.  I am starting to wonder if this is what my first period post-pregnancy is going to be like.  At least that would offer some kind of explanation.

Little Tripp Roth passed away Saturday.  I have been super attached to Ethan since then.  That morning, I had brought him into "the big bed" to snuggle with me for his late morning nap.  I couldn't take my eyes off of him.  He kept playing with my hand and hugging my arm..  He'd bring my hand up to his cheek and just snuggle right into it.  I couldn't help it.. I started praying.  I kept thanking God for Ethan...for his health and happiness.  And, I prayed for Tripp.  I prayed so hard for him.  I wanted to question God's plan.  I wanted to know why.  Why did he give me such a healthy baby, and not Courtney?  Why did Tripp have to suffer?  I wanted to ask all of these things, but I didn't.  I just prayed that Tripp be given peace.  I prayed for his pain to be lifted away.  I prayed until I feel asleep next to my sweet boy.  When I woke up, I immediately checked Tripp's Facebook page.  I had a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.  The news hadn't been broken for very long.  He had passed peacefully in his mother's arms.  I hugged Ethan close to me and started crying.  Michael walked in, and he knew what was wrong.  I have been talking about Tripp for a while now.  This story has wracked his heart, too.  He sat down and wrapped his arms around me and Ethan.  He let me cry.  Even now, I am choking back tears just recalling it all.  I wish I knew why.  I know that God teaches lessons, and that sometimes those lessons are learned through suffering.  But, why Tripp?  Why so much pain for a baby?  He was so small and innocent.  I just don't understand...  And, it continues to rip me up inside.  I cannot even begin to imagine the agony his mother is dealing with.

Tripp & Courtney have taught me so much about love and patience.  I definitely hug Ethan a little tighter, and don't feel the slightest bit guilty about stealing moments away with him.  The thing is...I work full-time.  When I get home, there is a very small window of opportunity to spend time with my son before we start his bedtime routine.  The weekends are all I have with him.  And, even then, really just Saturday.  On Sunday, we visit our parents and try to make sure they all get time with him.  So, Saturday is my only day.  I feel like I cannot remember the last time we had a true "lazy Saturday".  We always have some sort of plan.  Michael and I had a good talk about all of that this past weekend.  Ethan is growing so fast.  He doesn't even look like a baby to me anymore - he looks like a little boy.  I just want to absorb every.single.moment I have with him.  Life is so precious and fragile.  20 years from now, I feel more than confident that I won't look back and think that all of the Saturdays I spent snuggling and playing with my son were wasted.

Tripp, I am so sorry you had to endure so much pain in your short life here on Earth.  You have touched so many lives, and mine is no exception.  I will never be the same person.  You have shown me that no matter how much I think my heart has grown, it can always be bigger.  There is no limit on love.  You have shown me not to sweat the small stuff, and to hug my son tighter every day.  I know you are in Heaven, smiling down on your sweet Mommy.  Thank you for blessing my life with your light.

Blogging

So, I really want to start making something of this blog.  Something worth printing for memories down the road.  I've used this site as a method of keeping up with everyone, and have not been too concerned with being overly sentimental or too mundane.  Maybe I should continue that?  If that is how it really is at that moment, is it not worth remembering?  I don't know.

Today is just one of "those days".  After reading about another mommy losing her little one to SIDS, I became very upset last night.  I went into Ethan's room, checked on him and crawled back into bed.  I wanted nothing more than to scoop him up and snuggle him for the rest of the night.  He does so well in his crib, though; I don't want to mess that up.  Once I was settled back down in bed, I heard him take a deep breath and sigh on the monitor.  That made me smile and feel so much better.  It's like he knew I needed that.  I love that little nugget so much.  After dealing with some attachment issues at the very beginning, I wondered when that connection would kick in.  I am not sure I could pinpoint the moment when that changed, but it is stronger than anything I have ever felt.  I knew life would be different, but I never understood HOW different.  But, it is such a good different...an AMAZING different.  I honestly feel like my heart has at least doubled in size.  Things that mattered to me before Ethan just don't anymore.  My life revolves around catching every sweet moment that I can with him.  I deal with such mom-guilt for being away from him during the day to work.  He is growing so fast, and I feel like I am missing that.  I tear up just sitting here thinking about it.  And, I have more stay-at-home-mom friends than I realized.  I wish I could coordinate activities with them and help my son grow and learn.  I wish I could take him to the park or the zoo during the week - at times when there aren't many people and he can experience more.  But, at the same time, I want to work and provide for him.  I want to give him a positive female figure to learn from.  I want him to see that women are capable and strong, and can be just as much of a provider for a family as a man.  I guess I ultimately wish that I could work part-time, and that it would be worth it.  HR is not exactly a part-time field, though...

I guess another part of being at least a part-time SAHM is that I would not be such a slave to the pump!  I feel like I'm attached to it at work to make sure that I bring home as much as he's taking from a bottle during the day, and not lose my supply.  Since he will be 6 months on the 1st, I have almost made it to my short-term goal.  I'm not sure that I want to go a year, but I know I'm not ready to give it up yet.  I can't believe I'm saying that!  Me.  The girl who was never going to breastfeed.  Funny how kids change you. :)

New Year

Hello 2012.  Think you can beat 2011?  I'd like to see you try.

And, I mean that.  It would make for an incredible year if it could.  2011 brought so many amazing experiences.  I mean, seriously.  I had a baby.  How much more life changing does it get?

I've been doing some thinking on what my resolutions should be this year.  I know; I'm late.  Obviously I want to lose the baby weight.  That's a given.  I've lost weight before, so I know I can do it.  I guess I should also resolve to be more forgiving of my body than before.  Everything isn't exactly in its place anymore, and there's a good chance it never will be again!  So, other than the tried-and-true, I do have a few others in mind...

1 - Earn my PHR certification.  This has been on my "to-do list" for a couple of years now.  Every single time I would think about it and go to sign up, it was outside of the application periods.  I have set my reminders and I WILL take it this year.  Passing is a whole other thing. ;)

2 - Organize my house.  This has been a work in progress.  I've gotten much better at getting organized, but now that we're down a room I don't have any other choice than to become pro.  My goal is to truly turn our front room into an office, and the closet into an off-season clothing storage (but a good one).

3 - Pay off Michael's car.  We've both been paying early and extra on our car notes; and I'm pretty sure that if we push a little more, we could get his paid off this year.

Those are the resolutions I have that can be "weighed & measured".  I have others that are more internal; i.e. be more patient, be more forgiving, etc. etc.  Those are on-going.

So!  Here's to a great 2012! :)

And, a late Merry Christmas to you!

This year is quite possibly the smoothest Christmas we have experienced in our 10 years of being together.  Who would have thought I'd say that for Ethan's first Christmas?  It took having a baby.  Go figure!

I do hope everyone had a great Christmas (or whatever other holiday you like to celebrate!).

This month has come and gone way too fast.  I feel like we ran out of time for everything.  We didn't even get to decorate the tree until Christmas Eve, and it was after we put Ethan to bed.  Guess I lost my Mother-of-the-Year award.  I really wanted to make it a big family affair, so we kept putting it off.  Couldn't do it during the week because one of us was always getting home too late, and then it would be time for Ethan's bedtime routine.  Every weekend it was something else; we were all sick, my work Christmas party, Ethan's baptism, etc. etc...  I caved and let us get a fake tree this year.  Guess next year I'll have to cave and start decorating for Christmas before Thanksgiving.  :-/  Other than that, everything went ahead well.  As you can see, we were able to get Ethan's first picture with Santa (or, Bum Santa, as we affectionately call him).  Koopa's epic yawn gave us a fantastic Christmas card this year.

So, I have started Crossfit.  The first week left me unable to sit right to piss.  This week has been better.  I had planned to go back tonight, but ended up running over with my work obligations.  Tomorrow will probably not be any better, as we are going out of town to Lake Charles after Michael gets off of work.  I knew December was going to suck to start this stuff.  But, my intro marked the start of my month, which I did not realize before I did it.  Oh well, it's been an interesting jump start back into the fitness world!

Other than the tried and true lose weight goal, I don't have much figured out as far as New Year's resolutions.  Not care about people opinions as much?  Meh.  Who says you have to have a resolution anyway! ;)  Blog more? :D

UGH.

I feel like this post should be on my weight loss blog, but since I haven't been able to lose weight I guess it doesn't matter where it goes!

I'm so frustrated.  Everyone said that breastfeeding would burn so many calories.  I gained 30lbs while I was pregnant.  I lost 10lbs within the first two weeks.  Since then I have been at a hault.  Honestly, I want a quick fix.  Nursing Ethan means that I can't do that - which is good.  I don't need to crash diet.  I just hate being back at that place where I hate seeing pictures of myself and I hate looking in the mirror.  It is so depressing.

I went to my Crossfit intro, and I'm going back tonight.  I am not looking forward to it.  It's not that I'm lazy or don't want to get my sh!t together... It's that I feel like that fat chick that everyone will be staring at.

You are your own worst critic.  For me, that's a definite.

Our first ear infection

Sick babies suck.

Well, actually, sick babies are really sweet (at least mine is).  They snuggle and just want to be held.  It melts my heart.  But, knowing that my little nugget doesn't feel well really sucks for me.  He did really well this weekend for his baptism.  He napped on the ride over, was perfect through the ceremony and only started to get a little fussy at the end of picture taking because it was his lunch time.  Once I fed him, he was all smiles through lunch and then just watched the sky on the way home.  Sunday, he seemed like his normal self for most of the day (minus a runny nose), but started to feel warm that afternoon.  By the time we swung by Michael's parents house, he was fussy.  We gave him some children's Tylenol and kept him in bed with us last night.  This morning he seemed better, but still not 100%.  I made an appointment for him with the pediatrician this afternoon, and upon examination he found a small ear infection in his right ear.  I should have known because he was a little irritable nursing while on his right side a couple of times yesterday.  I'm just glad we caught it early.

So, I guess it's another first for my little guy.  Just wish it had been a happy one!

Where have the past 4 1/2 months gone?

Ethan is getting baptized on Saturday.  Yay!  Michael is so not excited to see his little man in a gown, but it's tradition.  And we all know how this Mommy is about traditions.  I did make a concession to have a second "boyish" outfit for him to wear for the family pictures afterwards.  The same priest that married us is doing a private ceremony for our family at his church.  It's out in BFE, but it's going to be extra special!

Moving on...
There is this thing called the 4 month wakeful.  I call it hell.  I kind of feel like if I hadn't read about it, it would have never happened - like I jinxed myself.  It all started when I made the STUPID mistake of being excited over a night of 10 hours straight of sleep.  The next night we lost count of how many times he woke up.  The next night dwindled to about 4.  Then, last night was only once, but he didn't go down until 10:30pm (two hours past his bedtime).  I can only imagine what kind of fun we get to have tonight.  We're trying to ween him off of the night feeding.  The first time he wakes up, he just gets some belly rubs and his pacifier.  If he wakes up a second time, I feed him.  I'm hoping that we grow out of this nighttime fun soon..

I can't help but to think that part of the problem is that we started rice cereal.  The pediatrician told us that if I want to continue to breastfeed, then I will need to supplement with iron in one way or another.  This means a) one bottle of formula fortified with iron, b) an iron vitamin supplement in a dropper, or c) rice cereal.  I thought we were taking the best route by going with rice cereal since that would give him some practice with a spoon.  Because of the two nights of issues, we skipped the cereal last night.  We'll skip again tonight and try back on Friday night.

One positive: Since Ethan was born, I was always the one to get up with him at night because I am nursing him.  Monday night, Michael got up with him since we are trying to ween the night feeding.  One of the several times he came back to bed, he curled up to me and said, "I have such a new respect for you after tonight!"  :)  I don't mind getting up with my little guy at all, but it was nice to feel appreciated!