Heartbroken...

I don't feel like myself at all.  I have been an emotional wreck for a few days now.  I'm testy, on edge, nonstop crying...  The only time I have been able to hide it was for our get-together this past weekend for the Saints/49ers game.  And, even then, I had terrible stomach cramps.  I am starting to wonder if this is what my first period post-pregnancy is going to be like.  At least that would offer some kind of explanation.

Little Tripp Roth passed away Saturday.  I have been super attached to Ethan since then.  That morning, I had brought him into "the big bed" to snuggle with me for his late morning nap.  I couldn't take my eyes off of him.  He kept playing with my hand and hugging my arm..  He'd bring my hand up to his cheek and just snuggle right into it.  I couldn't help it.. I started praying.  I kept thanking God for Ethan...for his health and happiness.  And, I prayed for Tripp.  I prayed so hard for him.  I wanted to question God's plan.  I wanted to know why.  Why did he give me such a healthy baby, and not Courtney?  Why did Tripp have to suffer?  I wanted to ask all of these things, but I didn't.  I just prayed that Tripp be given peace.  I prayed for his pain to be lifted away.  I prayed until I feel asleep next to my sweet boy.  When I woke up, I immediately checked Tripp's Facebook page.  I had a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.  The news hadn't been broken for very long.  He had passed peacefully in his mother's arms.  I hugged Ethan close to me and started crying.  Michael walked in, and he knew what was wrong.  I have been talking about Tripp for a while now.  This story has wracked his heart, too.  He sat down and wrapped his arms around me and Ethan.  He let me cry.  Even now, I am choking back tears just recalling it all.  I wish I knew why.  I know that God teaches lessons, and that sometimes those lessons are learned through suffering.  But, why Tripp?  Why so much pain for a baby?  He was so small and innocent.  I just don't understand...  And, it continues to rip me up inside.  I cannot even begin to imagine the agony his mother is dealing with.

Tripp & Courtney have taught me so much about love and patience.  I definitely hug Ethan a little tighter, and don't feel the slightest bit guilty about stealing moments away with him.  The thing is...I work full-time.  When I get home, there is a very small window of opportunity to spend time with my son before we start his bedtime routine.  The weekends are all I have with him.  And, even then, really just Saturday.  On Sunday, we visit our parents and try to make sure they all get time with him.  So, Saturday is my only day.  I feel like I cannot remember the last time we had a true "lazy Saturday".  We always have some sort of plan.  Michael and I had a good talk about all of that this past weekend.  Ethan is growing so fast.  He doesn't even look like a baby to me anymore - he looks like a little boy.  I just want to absorb every.single.moment I have with him.  Life is so precious and fragile.  20 years from now, I feel more than confident that I won't look back and think that all of the Saturdays I spent snuggling and playing with my son were wasted.

Tripp, I am so sorry you had to endure so much pain in your short life here on Earth.  You have touched so many lives, and mine is no exception.  I will never be the same person.  You have shown me that no matter how much I think my heart has grown, it can always be bigger.  There is no limit on love.  You have shown me not to sweat the small stuff, and to hug my son tighter every day.  I know you are in Heaven, smiling down on your sweet Mommy.  Thank you for blessing my life with your light.