Blogging

So, I really want to start making something of this blog.  Something worth printing for memories down the road.  I've used this site as a method of keeping up with everyone, and have not been too concerned with being overly sentimental or too mundane.  Maybe I should continue that?  If that is how it really is at that moment, is it not worth remembering?  I don't know.

Today is just one of "those days".  After reading about another mommy losing her little one to SIDS, I became very upset last night.  I went into Ethan's room, checked on him and crawled back into bed.  I wanted nothing more than to scoop him up and snuggle him for the rest of the night.  He does so well in his crib, though; I don't want to mess that up.  Once I was settled back down in bed, I heard him take a deep breath and sigh on the monitor.  That made me smile and feel so much better.  It's like he knew I needed that.  I love that little nugget so much.  After dealing with some attachment issues at the very beginning, I wondered when that connection would kick in.  I am not sure I could pinpoint the moment when that changed, but it is stronger than anything I have ever felt.  I knew life would be different, but I never understood HOW different.  But, it is such a good different...an AMAZING different.  I honestly feel like my heart has at least doubled in size.  Things that mattered to me before Ethan just don't anymore.  My life revolves around catching every sweet moment that I can with him.  I deal with such mom-guilt for being away from him during the day to work.  He is growing so fast, and I feel like I am missing that.  I tear up just sitting here thinking about it.  And, I have more stay-at-home-mom friends than I realized.  I wish I could coordinate activities with them and help my son grow and learn.  I wish I could take him to the park or the zoo during the week - at times when there aren't many people and he can experience more.  But, at the same time, I want to work and provide for him.  I want to give him a positive female figure to learn from.  I want him to see that women are capable and strong, and can be just as much of a provider for a family as a man.  I guess I ultimately wish that I could work part-time, and that it would be worth it.  HR is not exactly a part-time field, though...

I guess another part of being at least a part-time SAHM is that I would not be such a slave to the pump!  I feel like I'm attached to it at work to make sure that I bring home as much as he's taking from a bottle during the day, and not lose my supply.  Since he will be 6 months on the 1st, I have almost made it to my short-term goal.  I'm not sure that I want to go a year, but I know I'm not ready to give it up yet.  I can't believe I'm saying that!  Me.  The girl who was never going to breastfeed.  Funny how kids change you. :)