Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Time to reconnect

Ethan has his 6 month appointment this week.  I decided to take off of work to take him, and then an additional day so that I can just spend time with him.  His 6 month pictures are on Saturday, and then the grandparents will get their turns on Sunday since it's been over a week since they last saw him. 

I miss my baby.

I never realized how much sharing of him I would have to do in order to make sure that everyone "gets a turn".  I guess it's hard for some people to understand that all these "little pieces" of time I have to give to everyone else adds up to a lot of "no time" for me.  Throw in the fact that I work full-time, hit the gym after work, and then once I get home it's time to start the bedtime routine...and you have a recipe for one lonely mommy.

I won't be answering the phone or the door.  It's time for me to reconnect with my little monkey.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Hell

That's where I was last night.

I had this thought...  It went something like, "I am so blessed to have such an easy baby.  I bet my next one gives me hell!"

Pppppppffffffftttttttttttttttttt!!!!!!!!!!

Now, I can't put all the blame on Ethan.  Michael and I were laying in bed talking when I heard a rumble on the baby monitor.  I said, "I think Ethan just shit his pants."  That prompted Michael to get up and go change him.  Which then prompted me to run in there asking him what in the hell he was doing (I've never yelled so loudly in a whisper)!  We haven't changed Ethan after he's down for bed in MONTHS!  We've been careful not to do anything to get him wound up for fear that he would not go back to sleep easily.  Welp.  That's exactly what happened.  My normally pleasant-at-night baby who sleeps at least 6 hours straight but usually 8 or 10, woke up and cried constantly all.night.long.  This all started around 11pm.  Michael got up to soothe him a few times.  I fed him at 1:20am...remember looking at the clock around 3am...fed him again at 5am..  Oh, and Michael was up a few times in there too.  Michael finally brought him in bed with us after he woke up again after the 5am session.  He slept soundly until 7am - the longest, most amazing stretch of the night.  I must say it was super nice to snuggle my little guy for that brief amount of time.  (I secretly wish we would co-sleep, but I know it would be a real PITA to break down the road.)

I am one tired Momma.  Michael has a class for work today.  I imagine he's sitting at the back of the room with his head knocked back and snoring through his mouth. lol..

Lesson learned.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

A Day in the Life... (Work Edition)

One of the moms on my August baby board challenged us to do a blog entry chronicling our day.  I decided to do one for a typical work day and one for a day off with Ethan. 

Background - I am the HR Coordinator for an urgent care company.  I spend most of my day answering questions and problem solving.  This could get interesting!

6am - My alarm goes off.  I check the video monitor, and monkey is still sleeping soundly.  Looks like Momma is hitting the snooze button!

6:30am - Michael is up.  He snuggles up next to me and asks if I need some help waking up.  I snuggle closer to him and smile as we get a few more quiet minutes together before Ethan is up.

6:45am - Up and at 'em (late)!  I start on my make-up while Ethan (who is now awake) plays in his crib.  He's been down for 10 hours!  I'm a little surprised that he's not fussing to be fed yet!  Michael repacks the diaper bag and loads it into my car.


7am - Michael changes the monkey, and then I nurse him.  After I finish, Michael kisses us goodbye and heads off to work for the day.  I finish getting ready while Ethan plays with his Sophie.  He is definitely a morning baby - the exact opposite of his Mommy!


7:30am - We head off to PawPaw's!  I sing to Ethan on the way.  This morning's play list: Super Bass.  He was thrilled. :)


8am - We arrive at PawPaw's, and I have to give my "kisses bye".  This is always a drawn out process because I just want to stay and play all day long.



8:30am - After stopping for my morning smoothie, I arrive at work.  (And proceed to order my own Lean 1 protein from Amazon for $30 since Smoothie King wanted $50 for a tub!)


Douche-Magoo arrived ahead of me today and parked across two parking spots by the door AGAIN (one of them being my normal spot).  One of these days, I'll probably tell him something...
I have just enough time to get settled into my desk before several people stop in with random questions.  I'm happy to answer them, and it gives me a chance to stay up to speed with what is going on with the employees.  I like to show that I care.

9am - I get started on my emails from the end of the day yesterday and this morning.  We have employees who have graduated and are moving into different positions, and new hires that will need to be in next week's orientation.  I take care of their changes and set-ups.

11am - Coffee & time to pump!  Thankfully, I can just lock my door and keep working.  It's all about multitasking!
Trying a new fat free coffee creamer today.  Yum!

Holy moo cow!  After about 5 minutes of pumping, I look down to see my left book has almost overflowed the bottle!  I switch out the bottle and end this session with 14 ounces total.  Looks like Ethan's 10 hours of sleep paid off in more ways than one!  He's been getting two 6 ounce bottles while away from me during the day.  This and whatever I pump later will give me a surplus to add to my freezer stash.  This makes me happy.

noon - Before lunch, I update my online food journal.  I've been much better about updating it this week.  When I lost 35 lbs. in 2008, I believe my food/exercise journal was the main reason I did so well.  So far today, I've had 381 calories.  Adding a salad, turkey sandwich on wheat and Sunchips to that total!
So good I didn't have time to stop for a picture!

1pm - Stop to read an article about Tripp.  Something about this baby just won't leave me for even a day...  I say a prayer for Courtney, and thank God for my beautiful, healthy little boy.  I don't want to ever take him for granted.
I go over my new hires in training list and make contact to see where they are at (i.e. completed, needs more training, etc.).

3pm - Voicemails, voicemails, voicemails!  I have to screen my calls because we get so many asking if we are hiring.  I've learned the hard way that most of the time it is not a quick call to answer!  I start returning the day's calls.

4pm - End of the day wrap-up.  I make notes for tomorrow's day and finish up the current day's projects.  Looks like I might get out on time to make my two gym classes tonight!

5pm - I'm racing out the door!  I got caught up at work.  I head to Whole Foods to grab the missing ingredients for tonight's dinner.  By 5:45pm, I'm heading to the gym.  I call my dad to get the daily recap for Ethan.  He napped well, played happily and had an overall good day.  Always what Mommy wants to hear. :)

6:15pm - There was a stalled car on the interstate at my exit.  I have missed my weight class, but decide to go to the gym anyway for some cardio.  I'm quite aggravated.



7pm - I arrive home to find that Michael has taken care of dinner!  It was a nice surprise after the pissy afternoon on the road. :)  I'll save my new recipe for the weekend.  I make Ethan's oatmeal, and then Michael tries to feed him while I grab a bite for dinner.  We're still working on getting the hang of solids.  Then, I nurse Ethan while Michael showers.



8pm - Bath time for baby!  Ethan LOVES bath time!  I swear he splashes about half of the water in the tun onto the floor!  He will definitely be a true water-baby this summer!  After monkey's bath, Daddy takes him to lotion, diaper and dress for bed while I get a shower.  Gym funk stinks!

8:30pm - I nurse Ethan (bedtime snack), and then it's story time.  Tonight, we read about Captain America (Daddy's favorite hero).  Then we say our prayers and Ethan goes down for the night.  Now it's time for Mommy to have a little dessert (Krazy Kookie Dough!) and update the blog.



9:30pm - I sip on a glass of wine while Michael and I catch up for the day.  He always has fun stories from the bank!



10pm - It's bedtime for Mommy & Daddy! *yawn*  Goodnight! :)

So this ended up being a little harder than I thought.  I couldn't constantly update, so I had to keep track of my day in other ways.  I also had to try to remember to snap pictures, which I normally would not.  All in all, I'm glad I decided to participate.  It will be interesting to look back on this and the "home" post later in life. :)

Monday, January 16, 2012

Heartbroken...

I don't feel like myself at all.  I have been an emotional wreck for a few days now.  I'm testy, on edge, nonstop crying...  The only time I have been able to hide it was for our get-together this past weekend for the Saints/49ers game.  And, even then, I had terrible stomach cramps.  I am starting to wonder if this is what my first period post-pregnancy is going to be like.  At least that would offer some kind of explanation.

Little Tripp Roth passed away Saturday.  I have been super attached to Ethan since then.  That morning, I had brought him into "the big bed" to snuggle with me for his late morning nap.  I couldn't take my eyes off of him.  He kept playing with my hand and hugging my arm..  He'd bring my hand up to his cheek and just snuggle right into it.  I couldn't help it.. I started praying.  I kept thanking God for Ethan...for his health and happiness.  And, I prayed for Tripp.  I prayed so hard for him.  I wanted to question God's plan.  I wanted to know why.  Why did he give me such a healthy baby, and not Courtney?  Why did Tripp have to suffer?  I wanted to ask all of these things, but I didn't.  I just prayed that Tripp be given peace.  I prayed for his pain to be lifted away.  I prayed until I feel asleep next to my sweet boy.  When I woke up, I immediately checked Tripp's Facebook page.  I had a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.  The news hadn't been broken for very long.  He had passed peacefully in his mother's arms.  I hugged Ethan close to me and started crying.  Michael walked in, and he knew what was wrong.  I have been talking about Tripp for a while now.  This story has wracked his heart, too.  He sat down and wrapped his arms around me and Ethan.  He let me cry.  Even now, I am choking back tears just recalling it all.  I wish I knew why.  I know that God teaches lessons, and that sometimes those lessons are learned through suffering.  But, why Tripp?  Why so much pain for a baby?  He was so small and innocent.  I just don't understand...  And, it continues to rip me up inside.  I cannot even begin to imagine the agony his mother is dealing with.

Tripp & Courtney have taught me so much about love and patience.  I definitely hug Ethan a little tighter, and don't feel the slightest bit guilty about stealing moments away with him.  The thing is...I work full-time.  When I get home, there is a very small window of opportunity to spend time with my son before we start his bedtime routine.  The weekends are all I have with him.  And, even then, really just Saturday.  On Sunday, we visit our parents and try to make sure they all get time with him.  So, Saturday is my only day.  I feel like I cannot remember the last time we had a true "lazy Saturday".  We always have some sort of plan.  Michael and I had a good talk about all of that this past weekend.  Ethan is growing so fast.  He doesn't even look like a baby to me anymore - he looks like a little boy.  I just want to absorb every.single.moment I have with him.  Life is so precious and fragile.  20 years from now, I feel more than confident that I won't look back and think that all of the Saturdays I spent snuggling and playing with my son were wasted.

Tripp, I am so sorry you had to endure so much pain in your short life here on Earth.  You have touched so many lives, and mine is no exception.  I will never be the same person.  You have shown me that no matter how much I think my heart has grown, it can always be bigger.  There is no limit on love.  You have shown me not to sweat the small stuff, and to hug my son tighter every day.  I know you are in Heaven, smiling down on your sweet Mommy.  Thank you for blessing my life with your light.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Blogging

So, I really want to start making something of this blog.  Something worth printing for memories down the road.  I've used this site as a method of keeping up with everyone, and have not been too concerned with being overly sentimental or too mundane.  Maybe I should continue that?  If that is how it really is at that moment, is it not worth remembering?  I don't know.

Today is just one of "those days".  After reading about another mommy losing her little one to SIDS, I became very upset last night.  I went into Ethan's room, checked on him and crawled back into bed.  I wanted nothing more than to scoop him up and snuggle him for the rest of the night.  He does so well in his crib, though; I don't want to mess that up.  Once I was settled back down in bed, I heard him take a deep breath and sigh on the monitor.  That made me smile and feel so much better.  It's like he knew I needed that.  I love that little nugget so much.  After dealing with some attachment issues at the very beginning, I wondered when that connection would kick in.  I am not sure I could pinpoint the moment when that changed, but it is stronger than anything I have ever felt.  I knew life would be different, but I never understood HOW different.  But, it is such a good different...an AMAZING different.  I honestly feel like my heart has at least doubled in size.  Things that mattered to me before Ethan just don't anymore.  My life revolves around catching every sweet moment that I can with him.  I deal with such mom-guilt for being away from him during the day to work.  He is growing so fast, and I feel like I am missing that.  I tear up just sitting here thinking about it.  And, I have more stay-at-home-mom friends than I realized.  I wish I could coordinate activities with them and help my son grow and learn.  I wish I could take him to the park or the zoo during the week - at times when there aren't many people and he can experience more.  But, at the same time, I want to work and provide for him.  I want to give him a positive female figure to learn from.  I want him to see that women are capable and strong, and can be just as much of a provider for a family as a man.  I guess I ultimately wish that I could work part-time, and that it would be worth it.  HR is not exactly a part-time field, though...

I guess another part of being at least a part-time SAHM is that I would not be such a slave to the pump!  I feel like I'm attached to it at work to make sure that I bring home as much as he's taking from a bottle during the day, and not lose my supply.  Since he will be 6 months on the 1st, I have almost made it to my short-term goal.  I'm not sure that I want to go a year, but I know I'm not ready to give it up yet.  I can't believe I'm saying that!  Me.  The girl who was never going to breastfeed.  Funny how kids change you. :)

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

New Year

Hello 2012.  Think you can beat 2011?  I'd like to see you try.

And, I mean that.  It would make for an incredible year if it could.  2011 brought so many amazing experiences.  I mean, seriously.  I had a baby.  How much more life changing does it get?

I've been doing some thinking on what my resolutions should be this year.  I know; I'm late.  Obviously I want to lose the baby weight.  That's a given.  I've lost weight before, so I know I can do it.  I guess I should also resolve to be more forgiving of my body than before.  Everything isn't exactly in its place anymore, and there's a good chance it never will be again!  So, other than the tried-and-true, I do have a few others in mind...

1 - Earn my PHR certification.  This has been on my "to-do list" for a couple of years now.  Every single time I would think about it and go to sign up, it was outside of the application periods.  I have set my reminders and I WILL take it this year.  Passing is a whole other thing. ;)

2 - Organize my house.  This has been a work in progress.  I've gotten much better at getting organized, but now that we're down a room I don't have any other choice than to become pro.  My goal is to truly turn our front room into an office, and the closet into an off-season clothing storage (but a good one).

3 - Pay off Michael's car.  We've both been paying early and extra on our car notes; and I'm pretty sure that if we push a little more, we could get his paid off this year.

Those are the resolutions I have that can be "weighed & measured".  I have others that are more internal; i.e. be more patient, be more forgiving, etc. etc.  Those are on-going.

So!  Here's to a great 2012! :)