Starting to feel emotionally detached...

From what? I have no idea...

I feel like I am going back and forth. I question myself as to whether or not I will be a good mother, then I remember how much faith Michael has in me... Then, I think about how amazing he's going to be and I question myself again. I guess this is normal? I go through a spot at least once a day where I feel like I am not going to be a good, emotionally attached mother. I think about how I've lost weight instead of gained, even though I was sick. I wish I would just get a little pop and show, but then I remember that I don't want that to happen too soon and that I'm only 11 weeks along. I am starting to feel like a crazy person thinking that all of these things mean that I don't love and care for my baby.

I've been going to the gym with Michael to keep my energy up and to just feel better in general, but I don't know if it's working. I feel cranky and tired all the time. If I have a good day where I have more energy, by the time I get home, I'm pooped. Then, sometimes I get really nauseous after the gym. Last night was BAD. I was in the shower and I thought I was going to puke and pass out. I think it's because I am finally starting to get my appetite back, but still not used to eating more. I'm just praying the 2nd trimester energy, hunger and happiness make an appearance soon!

On another note, I canceled our NT screening ultrasound for next week. At first, we went ahead and scheduled it, just in case. Then, we thought & talked about it some more... There is no disability that would make us decide to abort our baby. I could never do that. Plus, there are many false positives from these early tests, and they only give you a likelihood anyway - not a guarantee. I would rather not worry over something that might turn out to be nothing. If our baby is sick, we will love and care for it the same as if it were healthy.

Another thing that makes me feel crazy, happens when I'm at the gym. I have been bringing my "What to Expect" book with me to read while doing my cardio. I have this thought that runs through my mind every time I'm there that someone is going to walk up to me and tell me that I'm going too fast or that I shouldn't be exercising. I'm telling you - crazy person right here. I've thought about just leaving the book at home, but I've found that it really helps the time pass. Plus, as vain as it sounds, I feel like a fatty and the book says "I'm pregnant, not fat!"when people see it. LOL I know, that's horrible.

I'm kind of jumping around, but that is how my mind has been - up and down, left and right. I cried over an email this morning about a 2-legged dog. It really was inspiring though. Dogs are such amazing, loving creatures. It made me think about when we first got Koopa and he was so sick. I'm tearing up just typing that out... Michael and I refused to give up on him and nursed him back to health. It did not matter to us how long it would take. We had to be very patient with him and conscious of his needs. I love that little fur ball so much. I try to remember things like that when I start questioning myself as a mother. If I can care for my pup that much, I will have plenty of love for my baby.