"I can do it myself!"

That is exactly what we're dealing with right now.  It is super cute and super sad.  I enjoy doing everything for Ethan, and now he's interested in doing so much on his own.  His thing right now is feeding himself.  Quite literally, he would not eat anything last night unless he had a spoon in each hand.  And, while we were giving him bites, he was steadily trying to do it himself at the same time.  So, we'd give him a bite and then he'd try to feed himself, over and over again.

He also likes to pick out his books every night.  If you try to pick one up to read to him, he fusses you.  So, we put it back down and let him grab the one he wants us to read.  Then, he wants to be the one to turn the pages. :)  His favorite book right now is "Polar Bear, Polar Bear, What do you hear?"  I think we could read that five times a night and he still would not get tired of it.

I absolutely love being a mommy.  There is nothing sweeter in this world.  And, to be honest, I do not expect non-parents to understand.  There have been those who've made comments in regards to their capacity to love not being determined by whether or not they have a child.  They are absolutely right.  There are areas of the heart that they will never understand until they have a child - it is just different.
To quote another mommy friend of mine..."I don't think it 'determine's' how much you can love. The love for a child is just different. To love something that you carried and grew inside you for 9 months is different than any kind of feeling imagine able until you have been there. Loving something that is part of you, literally, is a different kind if love."
I put this out there because I remember the person I was before Ethan.  Part of me could see how a mom's life could be happily consumed with their child, and the other part of me wondered how they couldn't resent losing their freedom and "themselves" a little.  Now, I understand.  There is not much more of an explanation for it.

Letters to Ethan

My sweet baby boy,

I guess I can't really say that anymore since you are very much a toddler now.  But, truly, you will always be my baby.

Today is the first of two very difficult days... Your Great-MawMaw Sue passed away on Sunday afternoon.  Tonight and tomorrow, we will be celebrating her life.  This is the first time in quite a while that your Daddy and I have had to deal with losing someone as close to us and loved as much as we loved your Great-MawMaw Sue.  She was very sick.  She had been taken over by a terrible disease - Alzheimer's.  But, I want you to know something.  She loved you dearly.  She would always light up when she saw you.

One day around Christmas of last year, we were visiting with her.  You were around 5 months old.  Her mind had been slipping away from us for some time.  She had already forgotten who I was, and only remembered your Daddy occasionally, if ever.   But, she always wanted to hold you, regardless of who she remembered that day.  We placed you in her arms, and she held onto you so tightly.  She was smiling down at you, as she always did.  Then, her eyes lit up and she said, "I know who you are!"  Your Daddy and I agreed that there was no better Christmas gift than that moment.  We will hold onto it forever.

    

 

I want you to know that you have another guardian angel now. MawMaw Sue loved angels. We have no doubt that she is flying high with them today. She is watching down on you and loving you so very much. She has joined your Great-Granny Hilda, and they will always be with you.

 

Loving you more every day,

Mommy



My (almost) little toddler

April 30th?!  That is the last time I made a post here.  That makes me sad.  So much has happened since then.  Ethan is growing like a weed.  He will be walking very soon - his balance is awesome, but he hasn't figured out he could step forward on his own.

*sigh*  I wish I could keep him little.

Ethan has definitely started showing favor to men.  I think this is partly because of my dad keeping him during the weekdays.  And, Michael plays with him as much as possible every.single.day.  It is super sweet!  He clings to me for comfort, which I love.  And, he will still snuggle with me for weekend afternoon naps.  I hope those don't go away any time soon! :)

I am going to try to keep this blog updated more.  I currently have three blogs, so I pretty much just blog when I have a random inspiration for one.  Truly, I should be inspired to write more on this one.  I tend to update my Melaleuca one more, and now my weight loss one.  Maybe I avoid this one because it reminds me of how fast my little nugget is growing. :(

I need to update Ethan's baby book.  When I do that, I think I'll post some highlights here. :)  That is on my To-Do list for this weekend!

2 steps forward

Literally.

Ethan took two steps on his own between his TeeMaw and Aunt Cara.  I was thisclose to bursting into tears.  Part of me hopes it was a fluke, another part hopes that it was not.  How could this happen?  My baby, who has no interest in crawling, is trying to walk.  He'll be 9 months tomorrow, and my heart is breaking.

Michael and I were talking about the different phases that kids go through.  I am currently hanging on to the "baby phase".  I told him that he better not try to rush Ethan out of this phase because it is so short for me.  I find myself rocking him "just a few more minutes" at night where we were putting him down right after saying his prayers.  He will be a year old in just three short months.  I wish I could pause time.  But, that is what those few extra minutes in the rocking chair each night feel like - like I am pausing time.  Even though brief, it is like the world stops for me and my baby.

What's Ethan up to?

Ever felt the need to cut a bitch?  Yeah, me neither. /sarcasm

I just want to say that I am thankful that no matter what happens during my day, I can take a deep breath and smile knowing that I get to squeeze my little nugget when I get home. 

Ethan has not REAL interest in crawling or pulling up to stand.  He loves his walker, and loves to walk if you hold his hands.  I'm trying not to be all crazy-mom-concerned.  He may not crawl, and I'd just have to get over it.  He's perfectly strong enough, just not interested I guess...  Most moms are telling me to be grateful that he's not fully mobile on his own yet.  But, I do like realizing his milestones with him.

In the food department, he's a regular "solid" eater now.  We introduced yogurt last night, and he loved it!  I think it felt good on his gums.  He cut his second tooth yesterday. *tear*  I've started making his food more on the chunky side, so we've moved to the next level of consistency.  My baby is growing so fast. :)

On a side note, I had gummy worms for lunch.  What of it?

Hello Month 8

How the hell have we gotten through 8 months of caring for an infant?  Sometimes I wonder.

It's weird.  Very weird when I sit down and think about it.  Life is different, like *BOOM!* different.  There is not an action or a thought that I go through that doesn't involve my little nugget.  And, I wouldn't have it any other way.

So, we've had a breakthrough in our battle with D.R. Horton regarding the leak in the front bedroom closet that has slowly been getting worse and worse.  We had conceded to the fact that we were probably going to have to make a claim on our homeowners' insurance policy - which we were NOT happy about.  Before we took that step, we decided to sit down with one of my mom's best friends who is also a realtor.  We wanted to get some advice on what we needed to change with the house over the course of the next few months to prep it to go on the market.  While filtering through our original paperwork, she pulled out our Preoccupancy Checklist, which CLEARLY stated that there was a leak in the front bedroom to be fixed prior to closing.  What they did was patch it so that it LOOKED like it had been fixed.  Not even our inspector caught it.  It's been a 5 year long battle out of the 6 years we have been in the house.  Since we have produced that evidence (that they also have a copy of, but conveniently are unable to find), they are agreeing to come in and fix it.  Although, Michael is possibly going to have to argue with them again regarding them not wanting to repaint the entire entryway's stucco.  Aww, hell no!  We are not going to be saddled with mismatched shit.  We might be LP, but we ain't trashy!

I'm just excited to finally be looking at getting out of that hellhole of a neighborhood.  I will miss my custom paintjobs in the house, though.  Damn.  Can't win 'em all.

Representin' the Crunchy Mommas!

There is something that I have been realizing on a more regular basis, and it always makes me laugh when I do...

I'm a crunchy mommy! 

Well, kind of.  I'm getting there. :)  Crunchy moms are your neo-hippy moms.  They breastfeed their babies, make their baby's food (usually from all organic fruits & veggies), cloth diaper, baby wear (which I LOVE to do with my Sakura sling)... And, I drive a Prius!  Now, I do not practice co-sleeping, but to be completely honest....that is only because Michael would not allow it.  Trust me, if I could snuggle my baby every night, I totally would.  In fact, I take advantage of every opportunity to, including co-napping on the weekends and bringing him to bed with us any time he wakes up fussy during the night (which, sadly, is very rare).


I also plan to go as far as possible drug-free for our next birth.  Now that I know what to expect, I think I might be able to handle it better (or at least prepare better).  Granted, I think that I did pretty well considering I was at 7cm when I did get the epidural!  Had my water broken somewhere else, I would have probably had no choice but to deliver drug-free.

And, lastly, I am converting our home to a chemical-free lifestyle.  I have been very excited about this, and I feel amazing every time I clean with these products because I know I am doing something good for our home.  They smell wonderful, and I know that my baby is safe from harm.  I am using the EcoSense line from Melaleuca, and would love to tell you about it if you are interested in ridding toxins and chemicals from your home.

Of course, I am not a completely crunchy mommy. I do not question established medical authority, and I keep Ethan up-to-date on his vaccines. I also had my son circumcised. No offense to anyone who chooses not to, but we decided that "like father, like son" would be easier for teaching bodily cleanliness.  I also have no interest in home schooling.  Although, I do plan to be a major support system to him at home with homework, recreational reading, etc.

I never pegged myself for one of the "hippy types", but I am in love with doing things that are better for my baby.  I know that I will not always be able to protect him and make decisions for him, so it is important to me to do those things right now.

I have my baby back!

Ethan has returned to being my little snugly, sweet baby again!  In the wee hours of Sunday morning, he woke up and would not go back to sleep.  I brought him in the big bed with us, and he snuggled right up to me and fell back to sleep.  My heart completely melted.  I love that little dude so much!

It blows my mind that he is already more than 7 months old.  I wish I could pause time.

No more snuggles?

I've mentioned before how Ethan is not as much of a snuggler as he used to be...  I saw a glimmer of hope at church the past several weeks.  He would nuzzle into my neck and chest, and fall asleep.  Well, last night, I saw that hope shatter. :(

He rolled onto his stomach around 11pm.  This freaks me out, so anytime I catch him I go turn him back onto his back.  Well, this time, that woke him up.  Ultimately, he ended up in bed with me and Michael.  Typically, I LOVE when this happens!  Any reason to snuggle my little monkey is a win-win for me.  I laid him down between us, and curled up next to him, wrapping my arm around his waist.  Welp.  He wasn't having that!  He squirmed and fussed until I let him go.  Once I stopped trying to fight him for snuggles, he fell right to sleep.

I didn't sleep well, but at least he did...

No tears

Lately, Ethan has been showing me how much of a big boy he is.  He sat through Ash Wednesday mass with me without crying or fussing.  He has also been going for afternoon runs with me twice a week without getting upset.  Then, today, he got his second flu shot and didn't cry!

It kind of makes me sad. :(

It's like he doesn't need Mommy to comfort him.  He has also resisted cuddling on a few occasions in the last few weeks.  *sigh*  My baby is growing into a big boy - at 7 freaking months old.

I read this little poem the other day, and it made me tear up.  Thought I would share:

Cooking and cleaning can wait til tomorrow
For babies grow up, I've learned to my sorrow
So, settle down cobwebs. Dust go to sleep
I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep

:')

Lenten Season

I've been doing a lot of thinking about what I will give up for Lent this year.  The last few years haven't been very successful, but I want to change that now that Ethan is here.  We've been going to church as a family, praying together with Ethan every night... This year, I would like to add something to our lives for Lent, in addition to giving something up.

Part of what has placed this on my heart is baby Easton and little Tripp.  I will never understand the suffering of children.  It is so easy to become settled into a routine and take the little things for granted.  I never want to feel like I ever took my child for granted.  He is a GIFT from God, and I am so grateful and blessed for every moment I have with him.  I want to incorporate something into our lives that helps us to always remember this.

I have until tomorrow night to figure this out.  I pray God will place it on my heart.

UPDATE:
Materialistic - I am giving up soft drinks and candy.  I have developed such a bad Diet Dr. Pepper habit and sweet tooth.  I need to give it a rest for a little while. :)
Emotionally - I am going to give up my anger.  When I feel myself getting angry, I am going to take a deep breath and pray.  I get flustered so easily, especially when it comes to other people dealing with Ethan.  So many times I feel like no one can or will ever "get it right" when it comes to whatever his need is at that moment.  I need to be more patient.

My little Valentine

I know Valentine's Day has come and gone, but I still have to share my little Cupid. :)

Isn't he just the cutest?

So, we've tried getting Ethan's 6 month pictures about three times now.  Our original date was changed due to the weather, then we tried the next week and weather again forced us to move.  We tried at the house, but Ethan was being very fussy.  So, now we're supposed to meet up for a mini session today.  I PRAY that the weather and Ethan's mood show a better face today!

I love my little sweetheart!  I love how he holds my face and gives me kisses.  I love how he holds onto my fingers.  I love how he looks at me and studies my face when I feed him.  I love his morning smiles.

Ethan makes my heart absolutely burst with love!

Today is also a very sad day..  One of the mommies on my August baby board is burying her angel.  He passed on Monday from SIDS.  It absolutely rips my heart out of my chest.  I have cried so much and prayed for them to find comfort and peace.  No parent should ever have to bury their child, especially their baby..  I cannot begin to imagine the heartache.  Out of this tragedy, many people have come together and raised over $12,000 to help them with the funeral expenses, missed work, etc.  I am so proud to be a part of such a generous and loving group.  Giving to this family made me feel like I was able to help, even if just a little, during this terrible ordeal.  I've said many quiet prayers, and we have been mentioning them at night with Ethan's prayers.  I do not understand why these things happen, and I try not to question.  Questioning will only drive you to madness because there is no answer.  All I can do is pray, kiss my baby and hold him tight.

Time well spent.

That is exactly what my four-day weekend was with Ethan (& Michael).  Thursday Ethan had his 6 month check-up.  He's growing so fast!  He weighed in at 17lbs 15.5oz and was 27.25" long - right in the middle for weight, and 80-85th percentile for length.  He is changing so much every day.  Now, he will open his mouth for the spoon when we sit down to feed him solids.  He sits up on his own, but will fall over when leaning if something catches his attention.  I even bought sippy cups this week. :(

It is so true that babies grow so fast.  But, you really don't realize it until you have one.


Ethan loves to laugh and smile!  It absolutely melts my heart.  I never imagined that I could be so smitten!

And, we started with avocado and green beans this week!  We'll move on to orange veggies next.

We're still working on liking vegetables.

This past weekend at home made me wish I could stay home with him even more.  Honestly, if I could demote down to a part-time/PRN clerk, I would.  I don't think that I could ever go completely 100% stay-at-home mommy, but I think full-time mommy/part-time employee would be WONDERFUL.

Maybe I'll play the lottery this week. :)

Time to reconnect

Ethan has his 6 month appointment this week.  I decided to take off of work to take him, and then an additional day so that I can just spend time with him.  His 6 month pictures are on Saturday, and then the grandparents will get their turns on Sunday since it's been over a week since they last saw him. 

I miss my baby.

I never realized how much sharing of him I would have to do in order to make sure that everyone "gets a turn".  I guess it's hard for some people to understand that all these "little pieces" of time I have to give to everyone else adds up to a lot of "no time" for me.  Throw in the fact that I work full-time, hit the gym after work, and then once I get home it's time to start the bedtime routine...and you have a recipe for one lonely mommy.

I won't be answering the phone or the door.  It's time for me to reconnect with my little monkey.

Hell

That's where I was last night.

I had this thought...  It went something like, "I am so blessed to have such an easy baby.  I bet my next one gives me hell!"

Pppppppffffffftttttttttttttttttt!!!!!!!!!!

Now, I can't put all the blame on Ethan.  Michael and I were laying in bed talking when I heard a rumble on the baby monitor.  I said, "I think Ethan just shit his pants."  That prompted Michael to get up and go change him.  Which then prompted me to run in there asking him what in the hell he was doing (I've never yelled so loudly in a whisper)!  We haven't changed Ethan after he's down for bed in MONTHS!  We've been careful not to do anything to get him wound up for fear that he would not go back to sleep easily.  Welp.  That's exactly what happened.  My normally pleasant-at-night baby who sleeps at least 6 hours straight but usually 8 or 10, woke up and cried constantly all.night.long.  This all started around 11pm.  Michael got up to soothe him a few times.  I fed him at 1:20am...remember looking at the clock around 3am...fed him again at 5am..  Oh, and Michael was up a few times in there too.  Michael finally brought him in bed with us after he woke up again after the 5am session.  He slept soundly until 7am - the longest, most amazing stretch of the night.  I must say it was super nice to snuggle my little guy for that brief amount of time.  (I secretly wish we would co-sleep, but I know it would be a real PITA to break down the road.)

I am one tired Momma.  Michael has a class for work today.  I imagine he's sitting at the back of the room with his head knocked back and snoring through his mouth. lol..

Lesson learned.

A Day in the Life... (Work Edition)

One of the moms on my August baby board challenged us to do a blog entry chronicling our day.  I decided to do one for a typical work day and one for a day off with Ethan. 

Background - I am the HR Coordinator for an urgent care company.  I spend most of my day answering questions and problem solving.  This could get interesting!

6am - My alarm goes off.  I check the video monitor, and monkey is still sleeping soundly.  Looks like Momma is hitting the snooze button!

6:30am - Michael is up.  He snuggles up next to me and asks if I need some help waking up.  I snuggle closer to him and smile as we get a few more quiet minutes together before Ethan is up.

6:45am - Up and at 'em (late)!  I start on my make-up while Ethan (who is now awake) plays in his crib.  He's been down for 10 hours!  I'm a little surprised that he's not fussing to be fed yet!  Michael repacks the diaper bag and loads it into my car.

7am - Michael changes the monkey, and then I nurse him.  After I finish, Michael kisses us goodbye and heads off to work for the day.  I finish getting ready while Ethan plays with his Sophie.  He is definitely a morning baby - the exact opposite of his Mommy!

7:30am - We head off to PawPaw's!  I sing to Ethan on the way.  This morning's play list: Super Bass.  He was thrilled. :)

8am - We arrive at PawPaw's, and I have to give my "kisses bye".  This is always a drawn out process because I just want to stay and play all day long.

8:30am - After stopping for my morning smoothie, I arrive at work.  (And proceed to order my own Lean 1 protein from Amazon for $30 since Smoothie King wanted $50 for a tub!)

Douche-Magoo arrived ahead of me today and parked across two parking spots by the door AGAIN (one of them being my normal spot).  One of these days, I'll probably tell him something...
I have just enough time to get settled into my desk before several people stop in with random questions.  I'm happy to answer them, and it gives me a chance to stay up to speed with what is going on with the employees.  I like to show that I care.

9am - I get started on my emails from the end of the day yesterday and this morning.  We have employees who have graduated and are moving into different positions, and new hires that will need to be in next week's orientation.  I take care of their changes and set-ups.

11am - Coffee & time to pump!  Thankfully, I can just lock my door and keep working.  It's all about multitasking!
Trying a new fat free coffee creamer today.  Yum!

Holy moo cow!  After about 5 minutes of pumping, I look down to see my left book has almost overflowed the bottle!  I switch out the bottle and end this session with 14 ounces total.  Looks like Ethan's 10 hours of sleep paid off in more ways than one!  He's been getting two 6 ounce bottles while away from me during the day.  This and whatever I pump later will give me a surplus to add to my freezer stash.  This makes me happy.

noon - Before lunch, I update my online food journal.  I've been much better about updating it this week.  When I lost 35 lbs. in 2008, I believe my food/exercise journal was the main reason I did so well.  So far today, I've had 381 calories.  Adding a salad, turkey sandwich on wheat and Sunchips to that total!

So good I didn't have time to stop for a picture!

1pm - Stop to read an article about Tripp.  Something about this baby just won't leave me for even a day...  I say a prayer for Courtney, and thank God for my beautiful, healthy little boy.  I don't want to ever take him for granted.
I go over my new hires in training list and make contact to see where they are at (i.e. completed, needs more training, etc.).

3pm - Voicemails, voicemails, voicemails!  I have to screen my calls because we get so many asking if we are hiring.  I've learned the hard way that most of the time it is not a quick call to answer!  I start returning the day's calls.

4pm - End of the day wrap-up.  I make notes for tomorrow's day and finish up the current day's projects.  Looks like I might get out on time to make my two gym classes tonight!

5pm - I'm racing out the door!  I got caught up at work.  I head to Whole Foods to grab the missing ingredients for tonight's dinner.  By 5:45pm, I'm heading to the gym.  I call my dad to get the daily recap for Ethan.  He napped well, played happily and had an overall good day.  Always what Mommy wants to hear. :)

6:15pm - There was a stalled car on the interstate at my exit.  I have missed my weight class, but decide to go to the gym anyway for some cardio.  I'm quite aggravated.

7pm - I arrive home to find that Michael has taken care of dinner!  It was a nice surprise after the pissy afternoon on the road. :)  I'll save my new recipe for the weekend.  I make Ethan's oatmeal, and then Michael tries to feed him while I grab a bite for dinner.  We're still working on getting the hang of solids.  Then, I nurse Ethan while Michael showers.

8pm - Bath time for baby!  Ethan LOVES bath time!  I swear he splashes about half of the water in the tun onto the floor!  He will definitely be a true water-baby this summer!  After monkey's bath, Daddy takes him to lotion, diaper and dress for bed while I get a shower.  Gym funk stinks!

8:30pm - I nurse Ethan (bedtime snack), and then it's story time.  Tonight, we read about Captain America (Daddy's favorite hero).  Then we say our prayers and Ethan goes down for the night.  Now it's time for Mommy to have a little dessert (Krazy Kookie Dough!) and update the blog.

9:30pm - I sip on a glass of wine while Michael and I catch up for the day.  He always has fun stories from the bank!

10pm - It's bedtime for Mommy & Daddy! *yawn*  Goodnight! :)

So this ended up being a little harder than I thought.  I couldn't constantly update, so I had to keep track of my day in other ways.  I also had to try to remember to snap pictures, which I normally would not.  All in all, I'm glad I decided to participate.  It will be interesting to look back on this and the "home" post later in life. :)

Heartbroken...

I don't feel like myself at all.  I have been an emotional wreck for a few days now.  I'm testy, on edge, nonstop crying...  The only time I have been able to hide it was for our get-together this past weekend for the Saints/49ers game.  And, even then, I had terrible stomach cramps.  I am starting to wonder if this is what my first period post-pregnancy is going to be like.  At least that would offer some kind of explanation.

Little Tripp Roth passed away Saturday.  I have been super attached to Ethan since then.  That morning, I had brought him into "the big bed" to snuggle with me for his late morning nap.  I couldn't take my eyes off of him.  He kept playing with my hand and hugging my arm..  He'd bring my hand up to his cheek and just snuggle right into it.  I couldn't help it.. I started praying.  I kept thanking God for Ethan...for his health and happiness.  And, I prayed for Tripp.  I prayed so hard for him.  I wanted to question God's plan.  I wanted to know why.  Why did he give me such a healthy baby, and not Courtney?  Why did Tripp have to suffer?  I wanted to ask all of these things, but I didn't.  I just prayed that Tripp be given peace.  I prayed for his pain to be lifted away.  I prayed until I feel asleep next to my sweet boy.  When I woke up, I immediately checked Tripp's Facebook page.  I had a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.  The news hadn't been broken for very long.  He had passed peacefully in his mother's arms.  I hugged Ethan close to me and started crying.  Michael walked in, and he knew what was wrong.  I have been talking about Tripp for a while now.  This story has wracked his heart, too.  He sat down and wrapped his arms around me and Ethan.  He let me cry.  Even now, I am choking back tears just recalling it all.  I wish I knew why.  I know that God teaches lessons, and that sometimes those lessons are learned through suffering.  But, why Tripp?  Why so much pain for a baby?  He was so small and innocent.  I just don't understand...  And, it continues to rip me up inside.  I cannot even begin to imagine the agony his mother is dealing with.

Tripp & Courtney have taught me so much about love and patience.  I definitely hug Ethan a little tighter, and don't feel the slightest bit guilty about stealing moments away with him.  The thing is...I work full-time.  When I get home, there is a very small window of opportunity to spend time with my son before we start his bedtime routine.  The weekends are all I have with him.  And, even then, really just Saturday.  On Sunday, we visit our parents and try to make sure they all get time with him.  So, Saturday is my only day.  I feel like I cannot remember the last time we had a true "lazy Saturday".  We always have some sort of plan.  Michael and I had a good talk about all of that this past weekend.  Ethan is growing so fast.  He doesn't even look like a baby to me anymore - he looks like a little boy.  I just want to absorb every.single.moment I have with him.  Life is so precious and fragile.  20 years from now, I feel more than confident that I won't look back and think that all of the Saturdays I spent snuggling and playing with my son were wasted.

Tripp, I am so sorry you had to endure so much pain in your short life here on Earth.  You have touched so many lives, and mine is no exception.  I will never be the same person.  You have shown me that no matter how much I think my heart has grown, it can always be bigger.  There is no limit on love.  You have shown me not to sweat the small stuff, and to hug my son tighter every day.  I know you are in Heaven, smiling down on your sweet Mommy.  Thank you for blessing my life with your light.

Blogging

So, I really want to start making something of this blog.  Something worth printing for memories down the road.  I've used this site as a method of keeping up with everyone, and have not been too concerned with being overly sentimental or too mundane.  Maybe I should continue that?  If that is how it really is at that moment, is it not worth remembering?  I don't know.

Today is just one of "those days".  After reading about another mommy losing her little one to SIDS, I became very upset last night.  I went into Ethan's room, checked on him and crawled back into bed.  I wanted nothing more than to scoop him up and snuggle him for the rest of the night.  He does so well in his crib, though; I don't want to mess that up.  Once I was settled back down in bed, I heard him take a deep breath and sigh on the monitor.  That made me smile and feel so much better.  It's like he knew I needed that.  I love that little nugget so much.  After dealing with some attachment issues at the very beginning, I wondered when that connection would kick in.  I am not sure I could pinpoint the moment when that changed, but it is stronger than anything I have ever felt.  I knew life would be different, but I never understood HOW different.  But, it is such a good different...an AMAZING different.  I honestly feel like my heart has at least doubled in size.  Things that mattered to me before Ethan just don't anymore.  My life revolves around catching every sweet moment that I can with him.  I deal with such mom-guilt for being away from him during the day to work.  He is growing so fast, and I feel like I am missing that.  I tear up just sitting here thinking about it.  And, I have more stay-at-home-mom friends than I realized.  I wish I could coordinate activities with them and help my son grow and learn.  I wish I could take him to the park or the zoo during the week - at times when there aren't many people and he can experience more.  But, at the same time, I want to work and provide for him.  I want to give him a positive female figure to learn from.  I want him to see that women are capable and strong, and can be just as much of a provider for a family as a man.  I guess I ultimately wish that I could work part-time, and that it would be worth it.  HR is not exactly a part-time field, though...

I guess another part of being at least a part-time SAHM is that I would not be such a slave to the pump!  I feel like I'm attached to it at work to make sure that I bring home as much as he's taking from a bottle during the day, and not lose my supply.  Since he will be 6 months on the 1st, I have almost made it to my short-term goal.  I'm not sure that I want to go a year, but I know I'm not ready to give it up yet.  I can't believe I'm saying that!  Me.  The girl who was never going to breastfeed.  Funny how kids change you. :)

New Year

Hello 2012.  Think you can beat 2011?  I'd like to see you try.

And, I mean that.  It would make for an incredible year if it could.  2011 brought so many amazing experiences.  I mean, seriously.  I had a baby.  How much more life changing does it get?

I've been doing some thinking on what my resolutions should be this year.  I know; I'm late.  Obviously I want to lose the baby weight.  That's a given.  I've lost weight before, so I know I can do it.  I guess I should also resolve to be more forgiving of my body than before.  Everything isn't exactly in its place anymore, and there's a good chance it never will be again!  So, other than the tried-and-true, I do have a few others in mind...

1 - Earn my PHR certification.  This has been on my "to-do list" for a couple of years now.  Every single time I would think about it and go to sign up, it was outside of the application periods.  I have set my reminders and I WILL take it this year.  Passing is a whole other thing. ;)

2 - Organize my house.  This has been a work in progress.  I've gotten much better at getting organized, but now that we're down a room I don't have any other choice than to become pro.  My goal is to truly turn our front room into an office, and the closet into an off-season clothing storage (but a good one).

3 - Pay off Michael's car.  We've both been paying early and extra on our car notes; and I'm pretty sure that if we push a little more, we could get his paid off this year.

Those are the resolutions I have that can be "weighed & measured".  I have others that are more internal; i.e. be more patient, be more forgiving, etc. etc.  Those are on-going.

So!  Here's to a great 2012! :)